Lighten Up!

[Avenger]

Okay, we need a break from politics. Let's try some levity:

What's the funniest thing you've ever seen or heard on a boat?

Had somebody set off the liferaft in the head? Fall off the bridge? Urp in the livewell? This is a fairly experienced group so there must be some good one's out there.

Here's a few to get started:

I've seen a guy fall off a head boat. Then watched for 15 minutes while the mates tried to retrieve him with a net.

We had a family friend out fishing. The guy had served on a U-boat in WWII (yes, my family has friends like that. They weren't party members, just sailors so let's not get all PC here okay?) so you'd think he would have some sea legs. Nope, boat climbs a wave, he grabs for something and pulls the nav light off the cabin top. The look on the old man's face when our guest came into the cabin and handed him the light was priceless.

Had a friend fall off his own boat while trying to net a fish, lost the net, the rod and the fish. Then he calls to tell me the story while on the way to the ER to get a fish hook removed from his arm.

While fishing at a bridge, watched a 20 ft Sea-Ray (what else?) try to knock down said bridge attempting to tie up to it. The pointy-end man almost went over the side on impact. They finally get tied up and set out their fishing gear then blaze up a joint and start passing it around. You mean you guys weren't stoned before? We left before they did. Long before.

Last one, same bridge. There's a six kt. current running and a boat with two older fat guys and one younger not so fat guy attempts to anchor. One fat guy keeps the boat on station while the younger guy pops up through the bow hatch and starts slowly lowering the anchor which promptly goes right under the boat. I observe to my group that "He's going to wrap that around the outdrive." Group disagrees. Ten seconds later the boat is no longer station-keeping and the anchor line is like a guitar string. One point for me. Now as the boat falls off in the current I opined; "Watch, now the anchor will grab." Group disagrees, there can't be enough line out. Ten seconds, boat movement stops and swings stern-to in the current. Two points. Now here's where the fat guy comments come into play. Younger guy hangs off the stern trying to reach the outdrive. The current and anchor are doing all they can to drag the stern under, and arm length being what it is, his head is inches from the water. Two fat guys decide to come back and lean as far over the transom as they can to see what's going on. I commented that "They're going to drown this poor guy." No disagreement from the gallery. Fortunately I got no points this time. When the tide swung they were able to get free.

These may be location jokes (You had to be there.) And I'm sure you have some better ones. So let's hear 'em.

 

[Boatsb]

I watched a fisherman on a charter boat walk out the cabin and up the cockpit stairs and right into the water once. We picked him au and gave him back to the at the town marina. he was a bit drunk.

 

[Genesis]

Two or three years ago, on VHF while out fishing:

"<Marina>, we're inbound to you, is our transient slip clear yet?"
"<Boat>, yep, come on in. We're off marker x, turn north there, range markers are on your starboard a half-mile up."
"<Marina>, ok, we're at the bridge, will be there in about a half-hour."

.... some 5 minutes later....

"Towboat-US, Towboat-US, this is <ditsy boat name>"
"<Ditsy>, go ahead."
"Uh, towboat-us, we're aground near the bridge."
"Ok, we'll be out."

.... 20-30 minutes passes......

"Towboat-US to base"
"Base, go 10"
"(on 10) Base, please dispatch the other boat. And see what else we've got"
"Ok, what's up?"
"<Marina>, inbound transient will be considerably late and may not be joining you tonight."

"Ditsy" was a 50-60ish foot motoryacht. At the end of the bridge no-wake the channel takes a 90 degree port turn. Mr. Motoryacht got to the end of the no-wake, lined up on the entrance marker for the marina 7 miles across the bay - straight out - and powered up.

The channel takes a 90 to port because the water where Mr. Motoryacht went is only a foot deep. He drew five. He would have sunk after ripping out both shafts, but the water wasn't deep enough to do so.

We came by him three hours later on the way back in from fishing.... he was still there with two towboats trying to figure out how they were going to get him off. I assume they plugged the large holes where the shafts were first.

("Heh, what's a chart?")


There are more, but this was one of the better ones I've seen.....

 

[garyd]

We were at a small public launch ramp and it was located next to a small beach all on a small inland lake.

About 4-6 couples were just kicking back. A marine patrol officer shows up to launch his craft. We started watching after a couple botched attempts. Well he tried and tried must of been an hour. It was flat funny. No one darred to help. LOL

He could get his 14' aluminum skiff 90 degrees to the car in one car length. well after about an hour he just drives away never to be seen again.

A friend of mine was bringing his sailboat into the dock. His passenger was very new and was parroting anything my friend did so he could learn. My friend announces watch and see how I dock. He stands up to dock and do the lines since he is with a green horn. The wind changes swings the boom he ducks but looses his balance and falls overboard. So his friend jumps overboard as well. When my friend asks him what are you doing he says I thought that is what you did.

We were out at Hanky Panky cove and a go fast with the dad and two small kids show up along with the admiral. There is about 35 boats in the small cove. He tries to anchor but isn't letting enough scope out to bite. Everyone knew you let out a lot to get it to bite then shorten up as it was a small cove.

He tries many times to get it to bite. The admiral is doing the letting out and retrieving. And every time it doesn't bite he gets a little madder. Now he's barking commands like a seasoned PT boat captain. So the admiral lets out the line and lets it out and lets it out, everybody is watching at this point. She gets to the bitter end turns towards the captain holds it towards him and lets it go. LOL LOL LOL. There was a roar of laughter in the cove. The captain looked like a statue then without a word turned the boat and left.

 

[Genesis]

Ok, best trailer boating story....

About seven or so years ago I'm vacationing with my (then baby) daughter in Traverse City. Its the middle of summer and hotter than hell - in the mid 90s, which Northern Michigan residences are not built to handle (insufficient AC tonnage.) We had rented a condo on Grand Traverse Bay and as a consequence of the heat were sitting pretty much at the waterline playing in the water, Sarah with her floaties and me just sitting back and enjoying life.

Next to the condo building was a public launch ramp. A couple pulls up with a bass-style boat (fairly inappropriate for Grand Traverse Bay, but it was a nice day) towed by a Toyota-style foreign station wagon (smallish thing but it had a hitch) As is necessary for bass boats, it has a huge motor on the back.

Anyway, he hops in the boat and she backs it down. Quite well too. He lowers the engine, fires it up with a mighty roar, puts it into reverse and..... nothing.

Hmmm... a bit more power... nothing.

A LOT more power, and now he (and we) understand what was wrong. The bowstrap and tiedowns at the stern are still attached! The boat drags the car into the water up to the front wheels and, being a STEEL trailer, drags down the stern of the boat, which promptly sinks like a brick.

Said "guy" is now cursing 70 ways from Sunday. The Admiral is also cursing, because she can't get the door open on the car due to water pressure. She's in no danger of drowning, but she's making noises that sound like she's intending to commit a homicide. I, on the other hand, have my hand over my mouth so that these two can't hear me - I'm CRYING from laughing so hard!

She finally lowers the rear window and floods the car, then opens the door and the two of them proceed to have a screaming and hitting match. I am now wondering if I should go get my cell phone and call 911 to try to head off what looks increasingly like someone getting ready to die, but I'm still convulsing from the laughter and am not sure I can stand

Finally another guy who's there and has a Jeep (with a small jon-style boat) splits them up and offers to pull out the mess. He hooks his winch cable to the car and pulls the whole shooting match out of the drink. The car and boat are both draining from every orifice...... the best part? The Admiral gets in the (soaked) car and DRIVES OFF, trailing the boat and a huge flood of water, leaving the guy standing there sopping wet on the ramp!

The runner up.....

Four years ago, here, at local boat ramp.

Ramp has two lanes with a dock down the middle. One side is in moderately poor shape, but the locals know which one - there's a HOLE in the concrete about 3/4 of the way down. If you've got a small boat, its ok. For a large boat its definitely not - your trailer will drop in there and you're screwed.

Ok, so I'm coming in waiting my turn to load and a triple-axle-gofast style thing lines up on the WRONG SIDE. I honk, wave, etc - they ignore me. They proceed to back down and I hear the THUNK as the axle drops in. Oh oh.

Ok, so Mr. Bright in the truck decides he's going to unhook the boat and drive off. Probably smart. Except that he detaches the bow strap, thinking the boat is on the bunks and won't move. Wrong answer - he unhooks it and the boat immediately slides off the trailler and into the water! The truck guy, seeing it start to move, runs up to the top of the dock, hops on, and runs for the terminal end to jump in the boat - and misses, going in the water instead.

I nearly rammed the go-fast as a consequence of laughing so hard I found it almost impossible to see, say much less control my vessel

I did manage to come alongside it, tie off to it, and get it out of harm's way.

The trailer, however, was stuck there for several hours until they could come up with some shoring to liberate the stuck wheel from the hole.

There have been a few more, including a couple of dry launches..... those are always good.... and one truck I saw go in the drink at a different local ramp a year or so back.

 

[Rickysa]

Please keep 'em coming....I'm dying here

 

[Avenger]

I'll admit right now that I haven't got the nerve to do it. But I'm always tempted to go to the ramp with a lounge chair and a cooler to watch people launch their cars.

Same friend who fell out of the boat: We go to the ramp to pull his 20 ft Walkaround for the season. On the other side of the ramp is a guy with his son of maybe 10, carefully winching his boat onto the trailer. My friend, whose style you've probably figured out by now, brings the boat up, lines it up on the trailer and adds throttle. Meanwhile, one of the commercial haulers waiting for a boat comes over to help, looks at me funny and says "No winch?" My response; "175 Horse winch." My buddy blasts the throttle, for a change the boat actually goes where it's supposed to. I snap the line on the bow eye, and jump in the car. As I'm pulling out I hear the kid on the other side, whose father is still cranking the winch, say "Daddy, look how they do it!" I couldn't wait to get out of there, I thought the old man was going to kill us. We tested the self-lowering antenna on the way home.

The year after he got a winch. While winching he hears a bang, stops and says "what was that?" I said "The stern line you tied to the dock when you got here."

 

[thoward]

Ok I did this one.

We were taking out the 26'er, but my wife had never helped unloaded it. This boat is a complete PITA to load and unload(the triple axel trailer floats) and we usually power load and unload. Well this day I decided to do a manual unload. I backed the boat trailer down where I normally do and got out to unwind the strap. The boat was stuck on the bunks and in order to save time(the ramp was really busy)I asked my wife to let the truck back a little and tap the brakes. I stayed on the trailer and she did did the brake tap, sure enough the boat broke loose and began to slide off the trailer. About the time I realized I never unhooked the strap and the winch was in freespool I took the first smak to the nose, then bam another and a third time for good measure. F#$@ I broke my g#@ D#*^ nose! Blood was pouring everywhere but the boat was free and people were waiting so I got the boat out of the way and had Ginger park the truck. I will tell you diving with a broke nose hurts .

 

[(Nobody You Know)]

Sometime around October of 1991 we overnighted at the small marina just off the Tennessee River at the township of Sody Daisey. On the following morning another couple joined us for a cruise up river to the Hiawasi River. While navigating the narrow but very picturisque channel that leads from Sody to the TN we were blown away to see that a 22+' Bayliner had not only ran aground, but had cleared some 6' of modest slope with rubble, and lodged itself in the bushes with the stern sticking out. (This boat was not here the evening before when we came in).

The next thing we saw explained it all. As we passed by a young shirtless dude came up the companion way to see who was passing (I'll never forget the look on his face). Then a rather sweet looking blond young thing stuck her head out also for a looksy.

1. How do you explain to her Dad that you have a little problem and won't be bringing your daughter home this evening?
2. How do you explain to your Dad that you...

For all I know that kid might be long dead.

Amazingly, the boat was gone that PM when we returned!

 

[67hat34c]

Ski Nautique backed off the trailer, driver was showing off by hauing ass towards the ramp and do a power turn right in front, got too close and tried to dump in in reverse, engine quit and the boat came off plane right on the launching ramp. landed on the bronz fins, all was well then came the back wash and twisted the boat sideways on the ramp. guys pushed it back in the water, running gear appears to have dodged the bullet. hull was fine. when they got home found the middle fin of 3 was twisted about 45 degrees. pounded it out with hammer and vice grips, used disk sander to make all match so dad would not see it. Now mind you i was a kid but very skilled with trailing this boat, could back down the ramp very quickly and off load, brother an i made good team at this. we could load same way, never a hitch and always 10x faster than anyone else. could also handle the thing extremely well, could do all kinds of tricks with it etc. just got too cocky this one time. gave the mex's parked along the ramp drinking beer a good show anyhow.


Yes that was me in 1984, wound up telling my dad about it about 4 yrs ago.

Launching ramp on St Johns river Sanford FL. twin engine searay type boat 25 26' range, family station wagon, wife loaded the boat on trailer, husband told her to gas it while he trys to pull up the ramp. she floors it , boat lands on top of the station wagon. trailer was not designed for this, guess the guy saw too many ski nautiques loaded in this fashon and thougth it to be a good idea. no this was not me but my dad saw it happen. this was in the late 70's to early 80's.

 

[mopester]

Whoops!!

Here is what I did, not once but twice!!! I had a 38 Chris craft commander 1969, with a flybridge. Well forgetting were i was while socializing at the dock(a few rum+cokes will do that) i decide to walk off the flybridge!!!! didnt hit a single stepp. Also didnt splill a drop of said rum and coke!!! that takes skill. I must have had enough because my hand and knees didnt even hurt.

Second time!! On my 48 yf, wich is a lot higher, at a local singles bar trying to be cool and go talk to a "hottie" guess what?? walked off the flybridge!!! I see a pattern here!!! Well belive it or not NO PAIN. I landed on my feet, but i lost my drink this time. Good thing they dont allow glass on the docks or boats. She wore the drink this equals no chance. Having a bathroom to clean up good, and dry clothes to wear BONUS.

Last one for me. well not really my fault. Picture a picture perfect day, fueling up on the way the the weekend destiation. at a T style fuel pier about 120 feet long. I am on the outside and just finished fueling up. I go down to the E room to check bildges etc and i hear that sounds divers hear when a boat goes buy. Then i hear it going fast back and forth. HMMMM i wonder whats going on. I wall out and see a a 16ft or so brand new jet boat on the inside of the fuel pier. The guy knows full speed and stop!!!!!!!!! i say to him slow down speed kills we can pull you in. NOPE that didnt work!!! a couple of more quick shots of the throttle and the warrior guy is going into the corner which quickly (dont blink) throws him up on to, through two fuel pumps, acroos the fuel hoses (eight pumps on the dock) and finally on the corner of my well built HATT. Can you say four foot hole? I CAN. After i pulled the guy back out through the windshield and picked up his kid from my cockpit it finally dawned on me WOW this guys a &^&^$$@#&^ and he couldnt be more lucky. After we sent the two to the hospital, we decide to push the thing back off of me and the dock and drive it to the haul out. (eight burly guys) The best part it turns out is the guy didnt even own the boat it was his sons friends and had 15 hours on it!!! Also the guy got mad when he got a bill for the haul out!!! he said he wouldnt pay, so the marina stacked it on the top row of a rack system, then when i called the guy and told him i would like him to pay the marina 100$ for the bolts and sealant to fix my corner trim he said no way. the marina said ok, by the way you have a lien on your boat for that too! I levereged the guy and said gee do you want me to call the CG or PD???? Can you belive some people......

The boat sat there for a year before he finally paid the marina for thier haul out lien!!!!!!!

Ramps are probably the most entertaining thing a boater can do or watch at no cost.

 

[labrador]

A friend of mine was on another sailboat in the 94 bermuda race. The owner had a Frers 48 out of annapolis and this guy had no offshore experience. The life rafts were on the cabin sole near the galley.Not a good place to store! He was cooking breakfast and his foot got entangled in the liferaft deployment
line. Mind you this was a rented raft. This idiot decides to pull the cord and can't understand where it's coming from. If any of you have been to a safety at sea seminar when they set off a liferaft you know this cord is about 40' long. He keeps pulling and finally the raft inflates down below pinning him against the bulkhead. He starts screaming for anyone to get him a knife as he is pinned. My friend hands him a knife and he attacks the "rented raft" with gusto. Meantime the entire crew is laughing their arses off. So when he gets back to the states he trys to return the raft to the rental place. 4500 dollars later he gets to keep the raft as a momento!

 

[UNIQUE_NAME]

i'm anchored in a no wake anchorage next to a raftup of about 8 boats. the boats are all in the 37 - 45 range and wood (this was in the early 80's). the captains of the raftup were all older gents. in comes a couple of jets-skis piloted by young guys (early 20's). as they approach the raftup they throttle-up and commence circling the raftup. this, of course, has the raftup banging off one another. after 2 laps the captains take exception and shout the obligitory "SLOW DOWN". the jetski commandos respond with the international greeting and continue circling. older gent dissappears in the cabin and returns about 15 second later and sits down. jetsskis approach the raftup stern, gent stands up and fires 1 across the bow of the jetskis with the flaregun. jetskis seem confused, gent clarifies the situation by unloading another round behind them. jetskis leave the anchorage to a chorus of boat horns.

 

[garyd]

I plain just miss the old salts. Nowadays the jetskis would of come back with their attorneys and a bunch of cops and tried to get the guy for attempted murder.

The jet ski would of sued and won. Back then if the jetskiers would of got the cops they would of been on the old guys side and probably said boys I wouldn't do that again if I were you.

I just plain miss the old salts, so I've decided to be one!!!!

 

[smoothmove]

These are great stories! Here's one I'll never forget.

It was late in the afternoon, and we had spent most of the day water-skiing on the Mississippi. We were pulling in what was most likely our last skier and trying to decide if anyone else wanted to ski back to the dock. This was the Mississippi and we were on a backwater that was at least 1/2 mile wide. The river was more or less deserted at this time of day so we weren’t in anyone’s way. From downstream comes a boat out of the rental dock. (they supply the boat – you supply the motor) It’s an older couple with what seemed to be their grandson. For whatever reason, they head right for us. At first we figure they just want to say hello, but they keep coming and change course just enough to miss us. I start to pull in the ski-rope but I see they are on an intercept course. We start waving and they wave back pleasantly. So we start waving frantically, and they just figure we are very friendly people and they wave back even more animatedly. We try yelling at them. Now they think we are louts or something and there is a concerned look on their faces but on they come. I figure I’ll give one big tug on the rope and maybe get it to skip out of the water. Not good enough. The old man driving sees what’s going on just as it starts going on. I let go of the rope just about the time his outboard’s prop makes contact. The few feet of slack in the rope were not enough and it tightens up with a zing. Up pops the engine and it does about a 1-1/2 gainer off the transom and into Ol’ Muddy. I remember seeing the guy look at his steering hand an seeing only the rubber handgrip. They were still on plain at this point even without the motor and he throws the handgrip at us in disgust. Suddenly it’s very quiet. We ask them if they are OK. Grandma is certain they are going to die out here, grandpa is trying his best to figure out how this is all our fault. Our boat is just sort of stunned. Soon enough I start to wonder about the ski-rope. I pull it in and sure enough the motor is still on the other end. It’s not easy but we haul it in and I ask him “Do you want this?” We figure the least we can do is give him back his motor and tow him in, which we do. Amazingly, about an hour later, we see them heading out again, after getting the motor going. Off they went having missed out on an hour of fishing. I never gave him back the handgrip though.

 

[yachtsmanbill]

I would mount that one on a piece of teak with a light on it ws

 

[CARL GUZMAN]

There some good one's there...here's mine
At the Great dock canoe race here in Naples there is always some crazyness evrey year ..and some years back there was a sport fish out in the middle of the madness and some young youths where attempting to climb to the top of the crows nest of this poor basterd's boat. Two of the drunk guests are at the top now and decide to jump from the top to the water below exiting to the rear of the boat to fly over everyones head in the cock pit , first one goes off without a hitch, next guy seems to have lost his grip when pushing away from the boat, and as almost in slow motion he's moving but not looking like he's going to clear the transom well you guessed it ...right across the ribs and mid-section needless to say he got a free helicopter ride that day

 

[Bob Bradley]

Back in my trailering days, I returned to the Milford, CT launch one afternoon to the following sight:

An oil delivery truck with a chain attached to the partially submerged tow truck, with it's chain attached to a fully submerged pickup truck, which was in turn attached, I presume, to an even more fully submerged trailer. Never did hear how it all happened.


And in the spirit of the salty dogs with the raftup and flare gun, a slightly less lethal story:

Some friends (also the salty type) were anchored blackfishing on the breakwaters off New Haven, CT. This fishing involved anchoring about 100' out from the breakwater, backing to within 10' or so of the wall, and pitching a piece of 2x4 attached to a light piece of clothesline into the rocks to secure the stern in position to fish over the spot where the rocks meet the bottom.

Needless to say, the proximity to the breakwall makes you concerned over wakes, and the anchor rode stretched out off your bow is vulnerable to boats that pass too closely. Well, after trying to wave off a waterskier 4 or 5 times as he attempted to get close enough to spray my buddies, they had had enough. One friend picked up a piece of fruit from his lunch and took aim at the intruder. As he was about to let fly the piece, my other buddy yelled to him "Lead him!". The pear hit the skier solidly in the chest, and knocked him clear off the ski. After that, they chose to ski elsewhere.

 

[Genesis]

Ok, my best "Drunken idiot" story...

We have a thing here called "Billy Bowlegs" every year. They have a pirate ship with "cannons" on it that comes up the sound and strafes a local city, they fire back, etc.

All good fun, and lots of boats anchor out for the day (a couple thousand vessels - everything from WaterRats to pool rafts to 100+' yachts) and we all sit out there, party, and shoot waterguns at each other.

Couple of years ago a whole bunch of drunks were on a 60ish foot sportfish with a nice tower on it. They have a nude chest contest; we're a good ways off, but the binoculars are getting passed around......

About a half-hour later, some of the guys on board decide to start jumping off the superstructure into the water. That would have been ok, except that the sportfish had pulled up at the bar and dropped two anchors - and was sitting in about 5' of water

One of these poor idiots went up on the tower and did a perfect swan dive.

It was his last one.

 

[67hat34c]

least we forget all our bird stories and his own story